Ch ch ch ch... Changes!

This weekend I should have been feeling pretty good. Possibly even happy. Well, there's a first time for everything right?

WRONG!!

I class myself as an amateur actor and I've been slowly building up my showreel by acting in student films etc...

Now I got the part in a short abstract piece and we all had to meet in the centre of Manchester at 7am, which means I had to get up at like 5am as for some reason trains before 8am take an hour which is TWICE AS LONG AS NORMAL! This happens to be FUCKING STUPID!

I mean, it's not like it stops at more stations like you'd expect... The train literally stops at all of the normal stations for 5 minutes... Actually just stops! The train driver probably faps one out to the country side or rather 'cunt'try side...

See what I did there? Hmmmm, ok I admit that was a bad joke but I'm also happy to admit your a wanker so screw you buffalo gums...

Yes you... The reader.

Where were we? Oh yeah! So, when I checked online it said the train left at 5.55am. Therefore I arrived at the station at quarter to, just incase, (like a good little boy). At around 6am thoughts like 'where the fuck is the train' started to enter my mind.

Thank god for my iPhone. I logged back onto 'traintimes' to double check I wasn't being a fool but still everything looked cool... Apart from the empty platform that is.

Staring at the webpage open on my phone I noticed there was a change in my journey. I decided to check the details and it's around this point I was slapped in the face by the invisible palm of stupidity...

Get this, the first change wasn't from a train to a train, oh no. That would be to, well, NORMAL. It was a 20 MINUTE WALK to the other station!! Please, please, PLEASE tell me I'm not the only person who thinks this is idiotic!?

If a TRAIN doesn't leave a station, don't advertise a departure time FROM THAT STATION! For fucks sake. I'd love to meet the person who input that on the website. I'd also love to punch them on the nose.

By now it was 6.05am, and the train was supposed to leave the next station along at 6.15am. Basically I had 10 minutes in which to perform a 20 minute walk.

Solution? QUOTE 'Run Fatboy Run'!

I made it, but only as I was fuelled by pure hatred and the fact i'll do ANYTHING to escape from this backward, twat of a town...

OOpus

Train times = stress lines...

WHAT A TWAT!!

An absolute twat...

Are you wondering what I'm referring to? I've started a new job and I finish at 18:30 each day... Now, the train station is about a 20 minute walk from work and the train home is once an hour.

The train used to leave on the hour, leaving adequate time for me to arrive at the station, find a seat, even check out the hotties, (or more realistically consider the fugly's).

But oh no, like everything in my life that's good the situation turned bad, (like those puss filled spots you found after having sex bareback with your 'cheating but forgiven' partner, who promised it was thrush but later turned out to be aids)...

Anyway, someone had the 'light-bulb' moment to change my train to quarter to the hour.

The person/people who decide these things are obviously QUITE RETARDED... Not fully retarded as they can probably wipe their ass, but quite retarded, as when they wipe their ass they don't know what to do with the toilet paper...

So, now I'm condemed to an hour and fifteen minute wait until I can EVEN GET ON THE TRAIN!!

Public fucking transport...

OOpus

Fired up, then just plain fired... (Part 3)

15:00 - 16:00

At quarter past three I get a call to ONCE AGAIN grace the Managers office with my presence. Oh goodie... She told me that it was regarding last weeks 'incident'...

That, and a formal yet crazy complaint mixed up with an indecent exposure investigation...

The 'Incident'

Basically I was in the staff room with some of the female employee's, (in fact, I think I was the only staff member with an X chromosome in that day). We were talking about sex changes and I decided to tuck my tackle between my legs and expose the 'Mangina', shouting gleefully, "This is what a guy looks like after!"

Now what I saw happen in my head was everyone have a good hearty laugh, and I remain one of the most funny/adored members of staff...

Well, what ACTUALLY happened was like a scene out of a movie. You know, when someone stops a wedding or does something in a bar or restaurant that makes everyone stare whilst the music immediately cuts out.

For example, one girl slightly choked on her drink while another left the silent room with a 'you know you've done wrong' slow walk...

SO, that was last week and my Manager now informs me this has been an ongoing investigation after a complaint. The strange thing is though, the person who complained heard about it but WASN'T EVEN THERE!!!

As much as I hate internet abbreviations, WTF!?!!?!??!

According to the Manager she had to show the CCTV footage to the 'big-bosses' as the person who made the complaint didn't complain about what I did, but rather how she was worried I 'may do it again - infront of her - in the future'...

Things went downhill even faster from here. I told my Manager, "I think this is so funny, funny cause it's stupid."

She just glared at me which pissed me off even more so I followed with, "I also happen to think YOUR stupid."

She replied with, "Excuse me?" Hmmm, I couldn't figure out if she was shocked by what I said or she genuinely didn't hear me so I responded with a statement to cover all bases, "I think YOUR FUCKING STUPID!'

Turns out she did hear me and it was a rhetorical question...

She was like, "You don't have to the right to get angry or be rude. It was your mistake, you did it."

I told her, "I'm not getting pissed because of at what I did, I'm angry at the fact I'm getting fired over something I might do! When the hell did reality merge with fucking Minority Report?!" The whole situation did seem like a shit adaptation playing at around midnight midweek on the Sci-Fi channel...

Anyway, after that polite conversation I cleared out my locker and was escorted out of the building. I felt like fucking royalty...

I got paid a further week plus holiday from them and was in a new job literally a week later. Thank god fate was smiling on me that week! Still a lesson learned for all you guys out there; no matter how sure you are of the outcome, DO NOT (I repeat) DO NOT expose your Mangina at work...

Nothing good can come from it...

OOpus

Fired up, then just plain fired… (Part 2)

12:00 – 13:00

At midday I was upgraded to ‘door’ duty. I had to stand on the door, ON THE FREAKIN DOOR! Must have slipped the manager’s mind that it’s winter and therefore FREEZING COLD! I felt like a bouncer at a club, the only difference was that I was letting everybody in, that and the lack of loud music, hotties and alcohol…

Mmmm, alcohol… Plenty of that would make this job better.

When on ‘door’ duty you greet people as they enter and exit the store. I felt like I was being slowly integrated back into society, society being the ability to speak to/serve customers. I didn’t care though, lunch was in an hour and being on the door I was technically as far away from the crap factory as I could be whilst still getting paid…

Outside of work, literally 12 feet away from the door is a Christmas Market filled with various wonders and some of the best European edibles available. Yet there I was, stood a stones throw away salivating from the door of the shop.

I felt like a dog with a treat balanced on its nose, desperate yet patient...

Isn’t it funny how the closer you get to your lunch break, the slower time gets? I was about 15 minutes away, yet when I checked 5 minutes later, I swear I had 20 minutes left to wait!

You know your fucked when time bitch-slaps you in the face…

13:00 – 14:00

LUNCH!!! Thank fuck!

Even though the Xmas Market was in fact five steps away from the shop, because of the moronic ideology of ‘higher paid – lower brained’ employee’s it took me ten minutes to get there.

You can’t leave the store through the main doors. This is apparently to maintain the illusion of luxury but I can’t take that seriously coming from a company who’s pretentious enough to call the shop floor a ‘stage’. Damn, what a bunch of wankers…

You basically have to walk upstairs three stories just to grab your jacket and wallet etc, then exit via the back, down an elevator to the basement, walk through a loading bay, then around the shopping centre to where the market is. In a word, FLAME!! That stands for ‘fucking lame’ in case anyone doesn’t know.

I bought a spicy sausage from the German section of the market and that simple yet delicious phallic shaped chunk of meat was truly the best part of the day, and at least filled me up for what was to come…

14:00 - 15:00

I was mighty full after lunch, and quickly became mighty bored...

There genuinely wasn't a customer in the shop for half an hour, so, in order to stay awake I started writing down random thoughts onto post-it notes, such as:

I really like chocolate brownies, but I really hate customers. So I was thinking, if a customer gave me a chocolate brownie, would I start to hate brownies, or start to like customers? Neither, or both?

Random right? Eventually someone did enter the shop and for some reason, tried on a pair of shoes and wanted my opinion. Honestly, why do people ask me "How do I look?" Do people think a compliment will squeeze its way past my permanent scowl? "Do these boots look OK?" NO THEY FUCKING DON'T! Save yourself £200 and chop your feet off preventing you asking stupid questions about foot fashion to people who would rather pour acid in their ears then listen to your incessant whining...

If only I'd actually said that. I think I replied with "They look lovely Madam."

I should have said that though. I was supposed to finish work at 19:00 but little did I know I would be leaving the company in just over an hour...

OOpus

Fired up, then just plain fired… (Part 1)

You know how people come home after a hard 8 – 12 hour shift and complain, “I’ve just had the worst day ever?”

Well the events of my day can shit all over anyone who has EVER said that so SCREW ALL YOU MOANING BASTARDS!

Righty then, today started like a normal day. A normal day being a shit day as I HATE MY JOB, so lets start again… Today was a standard shitty day. I got up, showered, ate, walked to work, started work, everything thing seemed so normal (or rather mundane). Oh how wrong I was.

I must have done something to piss off God, it is truly the only thing I can think of to justify the events I’m about to explain.


10:00 – 11:00

I started at 10 and had a complaint made about me by 11, one hour! That’s a personal best.

A chubby customer asked for a size 7 shoe, I got it and no matter how hard she tried to squeeze it on to her little fat foot, it wasn’t happening. She said, “I take it you guys work a size or two down?” I was like, “No Madam, it’s probably just your feet.” She stared at me, “What do you mean, my feet?”

Now I didn’t say ‘fat’ but what I did say apparently wasn’t polite enough. I replied with, “Well, they're a tad porky.”


11:00 – 12:00

I wonder how many people actually like their job?

I know I don’t. I wonder what it is that makes people actually WANT to wake up and leave. It isn’t boredom, hypocrisy or unpaid breaks otherwise I’d be joining the minority bright and early with a smile spread across my face.

After the incident with ‘Big Foot’ I was put onto ‘standards’ for an hour. This is where you walk around making stock look presentable and simultaneously wishing you could kill yourself...

OOpus

Been busy...

Not that anyone really reads this shit anyway, but for those who do I've been busy over the past few days and will update appropriately tomorrow.

Anywho, just quickly, below is the comment left on my first post. I thought I'd give some feedback.


Anonymous said...
Your very rude.
What are your thoughts on candles? I think their wonderful.


Hmmm... I'm rude am I? And you figure this how? Because it's obvious? Or did you simply read the 'ABOUT FUCKING ME' section!? You dickhead...

My thoughts on candles... (Other than you've blatantly not had sex in a long time?) Well, I think you should get two candles, the really thick, heavy ones, and stick one in your ass... You'll enjoy that, probably why you think they're wonderful... Then get the remaining candle and BEAT YOURSELF TO DEATH with it...

Two other points: Well done on keeping anonymous, YOU FUCKING PUSSY!! And where you've wrote 'their wonderful', you mean 'they are' so you should have typed 'they're', unless you give your candles names, invite them to tea parties and cry when they melt.

If your going to call me rude, at least learn how to fucking spell...

OOpus

Desperate for dreams...

It’s great when you have a day off…

It’s not when you get woken up by some education phobic fugly delinquents…

I felt like a nice lie in, but when do I ever get what I want eh? Answer: FUCKING NEVER! Some cunt biscuits had the great idea to start road works at quarter past eight on a Monday morning. Jesus, I reckon they were supposed to start at nine but thought, “Perhaps we should start 45 minutes earlier just to piss off Opinion Octopus?” Well guess what guys; you hit the nail on the FREAKIN HEAD!!

As the pneumatic drill pummelled the concrete, I reluctantly slithered out of bed wanting to pummel the guy’s head… With my fist.

I stood half naked by the window watching them destroy the road. There were two of them, one drilling the road with brown hair whilst the blond one probably daydreamed about drilling the other dude’s anus… Then again, I could see that worker sitting on the tool, letting the strong vibrations caress his clitoris. You know what? He also seems like the kind of guy who shaves his armpits, in fact, along with the brunette they both do… Only they’d shave each other’s… ARGHHH!! See how pissed off I was! Witness my lack of sleep! I was thinking about workmen shaving other workmen… FUCKSTICKS!!

It also didn’t help that in my temporary lodgings I’m sleeping in the living room, which is right next to the road. I attempted to fall back to sleep upstairs but failed. I was wide-awake. At about 11ish they stopped for a while but only cause the 82-year-old slut from two doors down brought them both a cup of tea, and that’s only because they wouldn’t go into her house and service her bat filled fanny…

I eventually fell back asleep at what must have been around two, but forgot my little brothers attend school which finishes at three. I was therefore woken up by them jumping on me… Oh goodie, a single hours sleep…

I’ll have to remember to remind them Santa Claus isn’t real…

Hopefully I’ll find some sanctuary in this house and be able to catch some Z’s. Although not tomorrow cause of these retarded roadwork's!

I might throw them a Mach 3. Yes they might start getting freaky in the street, but at least I'd get some sleep…

OOpus

Try to be funny, get called a racist... That's life!

I spent eight hours today forcing out cheap 'hellos' and 'have a good days'... I'm pretty sure, even people in the next city could taste the bullshit coming out of my mouth. It was so thick I couldn't believe it when people smiled and replied thinking I ACTUALLY give a shit about anyone other than myself...

Still, I battled on, thinking about my goal, (a certain something I'm saving up to buy). Everything was going great, I even had a nice customer compliment my hair (despite years of saltwater abuse it's actually very silky and soft). Then at around half eleven I had a separate customer complain when I called her, QUOTE, 'El Fucking Retard-o'. I thought my comment was just, after all, she had brought back a pair of boots that aren't waterproof, (which by the way was stated so at time of purchase), because she had got them soaking wet by WALKING IN THE RAIN.... WTF!!?

Apparently though, the swearing wasn't the reason she complained. Between twelve and half past I was in a meeting with my Manager receiving a disciplinary as the customer was Spanish or something. God damn the amount of times I've cursed at myself for elaborating on my insults. She very nearly pushed a racism claim on me but luckily had her mind changed by my Manager, (only because she loves to coat my face in spit as she shouts at me mind you). In my defence, I was only trying to help her understand HER mistake as she was/is obviously mental.

And definately Spanish...

OOpus

Relocation without happy integration...

Recently I have relocated, (just until January, thank god), and I FUCKING HATE IT!

You see, I was used to a city centre apartment with a fifteen minute walk to work... Well, NOT ANYMORE!

I now have a fifteen minute walk down an incredibly steep hill, followed by a forty minute train ride topped with a further twenty minute walk from the station.

Imagine the journey as a shit-cake. That's right, a cake made out of shit. You wouldn't want to eat it, and why? Because it's MADE OUT OF SHIT!!

There are some good points about the situation, probably, I just don't know them yet. I suppose the £100 a month I'll be paying on travel beats the £250+ a month I don't have to spend on rent...

So if we revert back to the cake analogy, my relocation and the subsequent fart of a journey is like shit covered in pretty pink icing... It looks good but once you cut into it you realise that it is in fact, mainly shit...

OOpus

Out of the sea, into the bullshit...

Let me start by saying, if anyone is actually reading this THEN YOUR AN EVEN BIGGER LOSER THAN I AM!

Go and have a fap or learn to ride a bike after your done.

Please do something, ANYTHING constructive because as long as your still here your wasting precious time. Time you'll never get back and time you could spend scratching your back with someone else's toothbrush or touching hot radiators with oven gloves, (both I assure you will spark somewhat more of a reaction than this rant, which not even my goldfish will listen to, and yes, as an Octopus I can keep a goldfish as a pet... Much like you human's keep monkey's before you screw them and complain about aids.)

Anyway, as an animal who can basically do nothing outstanding, (apart from squeeze through almost any gap), I seem to have opinions about everything I witness/feel/touch/taste/*insert other sense here*.

And before anyone asks I don't hate everything..... Just everything I hate... Which is practically everything... I now hate the word 'everything'...

My thoughts will be going up soon and if you manage to spark some electrons and produce a thought yourself, about ANYTHING you'd like to share then FUCK OFF! Tell me and I'll tell it like it is as people have a tendency to hide what they really want to say whilst sugar coating a topic or product etc. Hmmm, well considering I live in the sea I'm used to salt which means I'm used to the TRUTH (somehow) and nobody can really argue as what I just said doesn't really make sense.

Alternatively if you would like me to review something, I will, but not for you. Let's just be clear, I hate you. But I love reviewing things and I'm selfish.

I also love mexican food, lightbulbs and licking stamps.

Please remember everything I do and say is my own opinion, OPINION being the key word, (the clue is LITERALLY in my name), and if you take anything to heart STOP BEING SO HYPER FUCKING SENSITIVE. Save everyone some time, go home and cut yourself... With a blunt or rusty or blunt and rusty knife.

Ciao 4 now ladies and gents.

OOpus