Dead Birds...

OH MY HOLY FREAKIN' BIG BEARDED BASTARD IN THE SKY!!

A god damn bird flew into my window today! The window in my 8th floor apartment that's right next to my head when I'm asleep in bed...

Trust me it's not the best way to wake up.

I'm pretty sure birds only fly into windows if you're gonna die or you're the son of Satan or some shit like that.

Great...

I'm on the look out for cats hissing at me, no reflection and floating 'face-covered-by-hair' young Japanese girls in lifts...

Not what I need right now.

OOpus

"Treat" Day...

As some of you may know I class myself as an amateur actor, and I've recently been cast in another student film, albeit one that should actually be half decent.

This sort of has nothing to do with what I'm about to say but I felt like blowing my own trumpet. (Any gay guy's thinking, "Ha ha! Like sucking my own dick!" Get a life. Better yet get two ribs removed and get your freak on. QUOTE - Missy Elliot).

ANYWAY, I'm currently getting into shape for a DIFFERENT role, (yes I have more than two), all the none believers let me know your address and I'll send out a Fuck You in the post...

So I've been killing it in the gym, drinking plenty of water and eating right. Everything's going well but I had some advice I'm not so sure about.

Apparently you're supposed to have a cheat day or "Treat" day once a week. This is where you shake up your body, (which has got used to more calories going out than coming in), by eating WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT. By doing this your metabolism will speed back up thinking you're going to be eating more shit food.

Now, as it's me there's an issue. I'm not sure whether or not to believe this as it was suggested by a guy who looks like he stepped off the set of 300.

This should be cool though... After all, if this dude is ripped, and does it, it must work right?

The problem is, I don't want to undo all my work so far as a huge beached whale of a man-building suggested the EXACT SAME ADVICE, on the EXACT SAME DAY at the EXACT SAME GYM!

I swear God likes to fuck with me...

Mr 300 could be bullshitting and the Michelin Man looks like every day is treat day.

Any thought's on who to believe?

OOpus

Time Out...

Howdy.

Anybody who continues to read this dribble rejoice! I'm back. Although it's been a while. I've been busy. Well, actually not even that busy just coping with the various chunks of shit life has dumped upon me.

Since New Year I have lost memories, had my iPhone stolen, had money stolen, been kicked out of my house, lost possessions, had EVEN MORE money stolen and been punched in the face.

Now I'll be telling you about some of these and more pretty soon. But not everything I've just listed above.

Why not I hear you cry out?

Cause this is MY FUCKING BLOG and I'll do what I fucking well want.

Seriously though, not writing for a while has slowly degraded my soul, (If I've ever had one), so there'll be regular posts again.

In my bored state I nearly watched Twilight the other day. Then nearly stabbed myself for nearly watching it. Double ouch.

Yet ANOTHER reason why it's good to be back.

So screw you but thank you all at the same time. (That's the closest you'll get to a compliment from me so take it in slowly, perhaps re-read it and smile your pansy self all the way to the free sex clinic to pick up your bargain condoms...)

OOpus

Ch ch ch ch... Changes!

This weekend I should have been feeling pretty good. Possibly even happy. Well, there's a first time for everything right?

WRONG!!

I class myself as an amateur actor and I've been slowly building up my showreel by acting in student films etc...

Now I got the part in a short abstract piece and we all had to meet in the centre of Manchester at 7am, which means I had to get up at like 5am as for some reason trains before 8am take an hour which is TWICE AS LONG AS NORMAL! This happens to be FUCKING STUPID!

I mean, it's not like it stops at more stations like you'd expect... The train literally stops at all of the normal stations for 5 minutes... Actually just stops! The train driver probably faps one out to the country side or rather 'cunt'try side...

See what I did there? Hmmmm, ok I admit that was a bad joke but I'm also happy to admit your a wanker so screw you buffalo gums...

Yes you... The reader.

Where were we? Oh yeah! So, when I checked online it said the train left at 5.55am. Therefore I arrived at the station at quarter to, just incase, (like a good little boy). At around 6am thoughts like 'where the fuck is the train' started to enter my mind.

Thank god for my iPhone. I logged back onto 'traintimes' to double check I wasn't being a fool but still everything looked cool... Apart from the empty platform that is.

Staring at the webpage open on my phone I noticed there was a change in my journey. I decided to check the details and it's around this point I was slapped in the face by the invisible palm of stupidity...

Get this, the first change wasn't from a train to a train, oh no. That would be to, well, NORMAL. It was a 20 MINUTE WALK to the other station!! Please, please, PLEASE tell me I'm not the only person who thinks this is idiotic!?

If a TRAIN doesn't leave a station, don't advertise a departure time FROM THAT STATION! For fucks sake. I'd love to meet the person who input that on the website. I'd also love to punch them on the nose.

By now it was 6.05am, and the train was supposed to leave the next station along at 6.15am. Basically I had 10 minutes in which to perform a 20 minute walk.

Solution? QUOTE 'Run Fatboy Run'!

I made it, but only as I was fuelled by pure hatred and the fact i'll do ANYTHING to escape from this backward, twat of a town...

OOpus

Train times = stress lines...

WHAT A TWAT!!

An absolute twat...

Are you wondering what I'm referring to? I've started a new job and I finish at 18:30 each day... Now, the train station is about a 20 minute walk from work and the train home is once an hour.

The train used to leave on the hour, leaving adequate time for me to arrive at the station, find a seat, even check out the hotties, (or more realistically consider the fugly's).

But oh no, like everything in my life that's good the situation turned bad, (like those puss filled spots you found after having sex bareback with your 'cheating but forgiven' partner, who promised it was thrush but later turned out to be aids)...

Anyway, someone had the 'light-bulb' moment to change my train to quarter to the hour.

The person/people who decide these things are obviously QUITE RETARDED... Not fully retarded as they can probably wipe their ass, but quite retarded, as when they wipe their ass they don't know what to do with the toilet paper...

So, now I'm condemed to an hour and fifteen minute wait until I can EVEN GET ON THE TRAIN!!

Public fucking transport...

OOpus

Fired up, then just plain fired... (Part 3)

15:00 - 16:00

At quarter past three I get a call to ONCE AGAIN grace the Managers office with my presence. Oh goodie... She told me that it was regarding last weeks 'incident'...

That, and a formal yet crazy complaint mixed up with an indecent exposure investigation...

The 'Incident'

Basically I was in the staff room with some of the female employee's, (in fact, I think I was the only staff member with an X chromosome in that day). We were talking about sex changes and I decided to tuck my tackle between my legs and expose the 'Mangina', shouting gleefully, "This is what a guy looks like after!"

Now what I saw happen in my head was everyone have a good hearty laugh, and I remain one of the most funny/adored members of staff...

Well, what ACTUALLY happened was like a scene out of a movie. You know, when someone stops a wedding or does something in a bar or restaurant that makes everyone stare whilst the music immediately cuts out.

For example, one girl slightly choked on her drink while another left the silent room with a 'you know you've done wrong' slow walk...

SO, that was last week and my Manager now informs me this has been an ongoing investigation after a complaint. The strange thing is though, the person who complained heard about it but WASN'T EVEN THERE!!!

As much as I hate internet abbreviations, WTF!?!!?!??!

According to the Manager she had to show the CCTV footage to the 'big-bosses' as the person who made the complaint didn't complain about what I did, but rather how she was worried I 'may do it again - infront of her - in the future'...

Things went downhill even faster from here. I told my Manager, "I think this is so funny, funny cause it's stupid."

She just glared at me which pissed me off even more so I followed with, "I also happen to think YOUR stupid."

She replied with, "Excuse me?" Hmmm, I couldn't figure out if she was shocked by what I said or she genuinely didn't hear me so I responded with a statement to cover all bases, "I think YOUR FUCKING STUPID!'

Turns out she did hear me and it was a rhetorical question...

She was like, "You don't have to the right to get angry or be rude. It was your mistake, you did it."

I told her, "I'm not getting pissed because of at what I did, I'm angry at the fact I'm getting fired over something I might do! When the hell did reality merge with fucking Minority Report?!" The whole situation did seem like a shit adaptation playing at around midnight midweek on the Sci-Fi channel...

Anyway, after that polite conversation I cleared out my locker and was escorted out of the building. I felt like fucking royalty...

I got paid a further week plus holiday from them and was in a new job literally a week later. Thank god fate was smiling on me that week! Still a lesson learned for all you guys out there; no matter how sure you are of the outcome, DO NOT (I repeat) DO NOT expose your Mangina at work...

Nothing good can come from it...

OOpus

Fired up, then just plain fired… (Part 2)

12:00 – 13:00

At midday I was upgraded to ‘door’ duty. I had to stand on the door, ON THE FREAKIN DOOR! Must have slipped the manager’s mind that it’s winter and therefore FREEZING COLD! I felt like a bouncer at a club, the only difference was that I was letting everybody in, that and the lack of loud music, hotties and alcohol…

Mmmm, alcohol… Plenty of that would make this job better.

When on ‘door’ duty you greet people as they enter and exit the store. I felt like I was being slowly integrated back into society, society being the ability to speak to/serve customers. I didn’t care though, lunch was in an hour and being on the door I was technically as far away from the crap factory as I could be whilst still getting paid…

Outside of work, literally 12 feet away from the door is a Christmas Market filled with various wonders and some of the best European edibles available. Yet there I was, stood a stones throw away salivating from the door of the shop.

I felt like a dog with a treat balanced on its nose, desperate yet patient...

Isn’t it funny how the closer you get to your lunch break, the slower time gets? I was about 15 minutes away, yet when I checked 5 minutes later, I swear I had 20 minutes left to wait!

You know your fucked when time bitch-slaps you in the face…

13:00 – 14:00

LUNCH!!! Thank fuck!

Even though the Xmas Market was in fact five steps away from the shop, because of the moronic ideology of ‘higher paid – lower brained’ employee’s it took me ten minutes to get there.

You can’t leave the store through the main doors. This is apparently to maintain the illusion of luxury but I can’t take that seriously coming from a company who’s pretentious enough to call the shop floor a ‘stage’. Damn, what a bunch of wankers…

You basically have to walk upstairs three stories just to grab your jacket and wallet etc, then exit via the back, down an elevator to the basement, walk through a loading bay, then around the shopping centre to where the market is. In a word, FLAME!! That stands for ‘fucking lame’ in case anyone doesn’t know.

I bought a spicy sausage from the German section of the market and that simple yet delicious phallic shaped chunk of meat was truly the best part of the day, and at least filled me up for what was to come…

14:00 - 15:00

I was mighty full after lunch, and quickly became mighty bored...

There genuinely wasn't a customer in the shop for half an hour, so, in order to stay awake I started writing down random thoughts onto post-it notes, such as:

I really like chocolate brownies, but I really hate customers. So I was thinking, if a customer gave me a chocolate brownie, would I start to hate brownies, or start to like customers? Neither, or both?

Random right? Eventually someone did enter the shop and for some reason, tried on a pair of shoes and wanted my opinion. Honestly, why do people ask me "How do I look?" Do people think a compliment will squeeze its way past my permanent scowl? "Do these boots look OK?" NO THEY FUCKING DON'T! Save yourself £200 and chop your feet off preventing you asking stupid questions about foot fashion to people who would rather pour acid in their ears then listen to your incessant whining...

If only I'd actually said that. I think I replied with "They look lovely Madam."

I should have said that though. I was supposed to finish work at 19:00 but little did I know I would be leaving the company in just over an hour...

OOpus